Monday, March 22, 2010

Missing You?

It is possible to miss someone you don't know? I honestly don't know the answer to that. Maybe 'missing' isn't the right word, but it hold the same feeling. A feeling of longing and a sort of emptiness at times.
The person I am missing, and have been missing, is my biological mother. I have never met her. I don't even know her name. I do know a few things about her. She was 17 when she had me and gave me up for adoption. She was 5'4", just like I am. She has brown eyes, just like I do, and the nurses told my mother she was absolutely gorgeous. I think about her often. I was listening to a song called "I Wonder" by Kellie Pickler today that reminded me of her. This song makes me cry every time I hear it.
It's funny, right around my birthday and in June, I think about her the most, but I didn't think of her until today, a week after my birthday. This is probably because last week was rough. I wonder if she was thinking about me on my birthday. Does she remember the baby girl she gave up on March 15th? What is she doing now? What is her career? Is she married with children? Does she miss me?
I know it's crazy, but sometimes I walk around a store or down a street and I see women that are about 38 and I wonder if one of the women walking by me is her. Does she do that too? Does she walk around Wegmans, see young girls and wonder if any of them are the baby girl she gave up 21 years ago? Does she wonder what I look like now? Does she even life in the Buffalo are anymore?
I do not wish I lived another life. I am incredibly grateful for my parents and the wonderful life I was given, I just wonder about her, that's all. The questions are endless, and I sometimes find it hard to believe that I don't know, and will probably never know, the name or the face of the woman who gave birth to me. Was it hard to give me away? Did you cry? Or was it easy and you felt relieved?
I think about you often, and I probably always will. I hope you are doing well. I hope you haven't forgotten about me, but I also hope you don't worry. I am doing very well. I am going to Canisius College now, and studying very hard. I bet you would be proud. I want you to know, I am not mad at you, sometimes I am just sad. I just wish I could know you. It has been hard for me to accept the fact that I am adopted, especially when I was younger. I felt abandoned. Isn't that silly? You gave me up so I would have a better chance. I have a loving, caring family, and I felt abandoned. I am ashamed when I look back and think about how I thought I was alone. My mother would do anything for me, and she has loved me before she even know me. She loved me the moment she knew that her and my father would be the parents of a little baby girl. She did not even know what I looked like. She hadn't even seen me yet, and she loved me. I was never alone or abandoned. I felt alone only because I don't understand why you gave me up. I think I have a pretty good idea, you were only 17. That seems like a good reason to give a child up for adoption. Or at least I assume that is the reason. It hurts too much to even think that could be any other reason.
Well, I just wanted you to know, where ever you are, that I think about you and at times I miss you. Thank you for giving me a chance at a better life. I got one. I could not ask for a more amazing or loving family, and I know that what you did, even though it hurts me at times, you did it because you did love me. I will never forget that, and I will never forget you.

"I Wonder"
By Kellie Pickler

Sometimes I think about you
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinking bout me
And would you even recognize
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be
Cause I look in the mirror and all I see
Are your brown eyes looking back at me
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all

Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
There's sunny skies as far I can see
If you ever come back home to Carolina
I wonder what you'd say to me

I think about how it ain't fair
That you weren't there to braid my hair
Like mothers do
You weren't around to cheer me on
Help me dress for my high school prom
Like mothers do
Did you think I didn't need you here
To hold my hand
To dry my tears
Did you even miss me through the years at all

Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
There's sunny skies as far I can see
If you ever come back home to Carolina
I wonder what you'd say to me

Forgiveness is such a simple word
But it's so hard to do when you've been hurt

Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
And just in case you're wondering about me
From now on I won't be in Carolina
Your little girl is off
Your little girl is off
Your little girl is off to Tennessee

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