Monday, March 22, 2010

Missing You?

It is possible to miss someone you don't know? I honestly don't know the answer to that. Maybe 'missing' isn't the right word, but it hold the same feeling. A feeling of longing and a sort of emptiness at times.
The person I am missing, and have been missing, is my biological mother. I have never met her. I don't even know her name. I do know a few things about her. She was 17 when she had me and gave me up for adoption. She was 5'4", just like I am. She has brown eyes, just like I do, and the nurses told my mother she was absolutely gorgeous. I think about her often. I was listening to a song called "I Wonder" by Kellie Pickler today that reminded me of her. This song makes me cry every time I hear it.
It's funny, right around my birthday and in June, I think about her the most, but I didn't think of her until today, a week after my birthday. This is probably because last week was rough. I wonder if she was thinking about me on my birthday. Does she remember the baby girl she gave up on March 15th? What is she doing now? What is her career? Is she married with children? Does she miss me?
I know it's crazy, but sometimes I walk around a store or down a street and I see women that are about 38 and I wonder if one of the women walking by me is her. Does she do that too? Does she walk around Wegmans, see young girls and wonder if any of them are the baby girl she gave up 21 years ago? Does she wonder what I look like now? Does she even life in the Buffalo are anymore?
I do not wish I lived another life. I am incredibly grateful for my parents and the wonderful life I was given, I just wonder about her, that's all. The questions are endless, and I sometimes find it hard to believe that I don't know, and will probably never know, the name or the face of the woman who gave birth to me. Was it hard to give me away? Did you cry? Or was it easy and you felt relieved?
I think about you often, and I probably always will. I hope you are doing well. I hope you haven't forgotten about me, but I also hope you don't worry. I am doing very well. I am going to Canisius College now, and studying very hard. I bet you would be proud. I want you to know, I am not mad at you, sometimes I am just sad. I just wish I could know you. It has been hard for me to accept the fact that I am adopted, especially when I was younger. I felt abandoned. Isn't that silly? You gave me up so I would have a better chance. I have a loving, caring family, and I felt abandoned. I am ashamed when I look back and think about how I thought I was alone. My mother would do anything for me, and she has loved me before she even know me. She loved me the moment she knew that her and my father would be the parents of a little baby girl. She did not even know what I looked like. She hadn't even seen me yet, and she loved me. I was never alone or abandoned. I felt alone only because I don't understand why you gave me up. I think I have a pretty good idea, you were only 17. That seems like a good reason to give a child up for adoption. Or at least I assume that is the reason. It hurts too much to even think that could be any other reason.
Well, I just wanted you to know, where ever you are, that I think about you and at times I miss you. Thank you for giving me a chance at a better life. I got one. I could not ask for a more amazing or loving family, and I know that what you did, even though it hurts me at times, you did it because you did love me. I will never forget that, and I will never forget you.

"I Wonder"
By Kellie Pickler

Sometimes I think about you
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinking bout me
And would you even recognize
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be
Cause I look in the mirror and all I see
Are your brown eyes looking back at me
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all

Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
There's sunny skies as far I can see
If you ever come back home to Carolina
I wonder what you'd say to me

I think about how it ain't fair
That you weren't there to braid my hair
Like mothers do
You weren't around to cheer me on
Help me dress for my high school prom
Like mothers do
Did you think I didn't need you here
To hold my hand
To dry my tears
Did you even miss me through the years at all

Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
There's sunny skies as far I can see
If you ever come back home to Carolina
I wonder what you'd say to me

Forgiveness is such a simple word
But it's so hard to do when you've been hurt

Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
And just in case you're wondering about me
From now on I won't be in Carolina
Your little girl is off
Your little girl is off
Your little girl is off to Tennessee

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

It's a Good Day!

Today has been a great day! It has been wonderful and rewarding! The sun is out and I have been walking outside wearing just a hoodie! I am loving it!
I am currently sitting in the library- where I should really be studying for my Women in American History midterm on Friday, but instead I am blogging. I managed to find an empty table right next to the windows and the heat of the sun feels amazing! The sky is blue and bright, and I am finding it hard not to smile. People who glance my way probably think I am crazy, but I don't mind. I am so happy, I just can't help it!
My happiness all began this morning when I walked out the front door of my apartment to head to class and it was a perfect morning. The sun was out, the snow is almost gone, and there was a light morning breeze that was gently waking all my senses preparing me to take on the day. When I made it to my first and only class of the day, my Art History professor handed back the formal analysis we had to write on Ancient Egyptian art. I had spent a lot of time on that paper and was very proud of it. I was nervous that I had not approached the topic correctly, and that I was not writing what she was looking for. But I had worried for no reason because I got a B+! I am very happy with that grade! Of course, I want to strive for an A in the future, but I'll take a B+ any day! After Art History, I made my way to my Philosophy professor's office to earn some extra credit on an exam I didn't do so hot on, but I plan to do much better on in the future. I aced the oral exam and earned the maximum extra points, I left her office feeling confident due to her encouraging words and my determination that I will do better next time around. To top off my great day, I logged onto the school's course management system, Angel, and saw that my History professor posted the grade for my paper, and I got an A!
I am just so proud of myself. I work very hard to do so well, and I take my education very seriously. I am so blessed to be going to such a great college, and I know that. I want to do well for myself and for my future, but also for my father. He works very hard to be able to afford to send me to Canisius, and I am very lucky to have a parent who is willing to pay for my education. Not to mention, I need to keep my GPA up in order to keep my scholarship, which is not an issue because I will never allow my GPA to get so low that losing my scholarship could ever be a possibility, but nonetheless, it is motivation. I find it interesting that in high school I was one of those students who didn't have to try very hard to do well, it just came easy to me. I was always on the Honor Roll, and took for granted the fact that I didn't have to try very hard to succeed. Now that I have to work for my grades, it's almost more rewarding when I get an A or even a B because I know I earned that grade and that I can achieve my goals. I love school. I love to learn, and I love the reward I get for pushing myself and always striving to do better. The internal reward of feeling accomplished and proud of my hard work is sometimes better than the external reward of earning a great grade and overall GPA.
So, while the sun was my initial reason for my happiness this morning, I suppose I make myself happy too. I can make my own sunshine :). All I have to do is continue to work hard and not give up. My mother has always implemented the idea that I can do anything I set my mind to. I believe that 110%, and I think, had my mother not said this to me every time I was down or feeling nervous, I wouldn't be who, or where, I am today. Her belief and confidence in me has helped me to believe in myself. And not only that, but her confidence in me, has helped me to find my own confidence. I will always have days when I am not sure if I can do it, that's just human nature, and there are exams and papers I don't do well on, but I know I can do well, and next time I will do better. I have my mother, father, and everyone who has ever encouraged and believed in me to thank for my confidence, strength, and drive to always push myself. So...Thank you! I won't let you down, and more importantly, I won't let myself down! My will keep my own sun shining, even on the dreariest of days!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Sunny Sunday Afternoon

"I'm laying here dreaming, staring at the ceiling,
Wasting the day away..."
-Jewel, "Stay Here Forever"

I am in the mood to write. I don't really have anything in particular I want to blog about, I just want to write whatever comes to mind. :)
I have been sitting at the table in my apartment for a few hours now. I am listening to country music and just letting my mind wonder. I currently have Jewel "Stay Here Forever" on repeat. I love this song! It was the inspiration for this blog.
Well, not much has happen today. All my roommates are out and about, and I am just relaxing in the living room. The sun is streaming in the windows and lighting up our beautiful yellow walls. It brightens my day to see the sun and be reminded that Spring is on its way after all these months of snow and cold. Yesterday after work, I sat in our 'bowl chair' in front of the bay window and just soaked up the sun. It was so nice. I swear, things as simple as the sun shining when I wake up in the morning makes me so so happy. I feel like I can relax and not worry about things for the time being. I just take in moment of calm and enjoy the warmth of the sun.
I can't wait until all the snow is melted and the sun and a t-shirt is all I will need, and I can enjoy the sun everyday while sitting out on my patio. Spring, you can't get here soon enough!