Monday, February 8, 2010

I'm just not ready, and I don't think I ever will be.

I recently saw the Dear John movie. It was good, very different from the book, but still good. But the movie itself is not what inspired me to write this blog. My inspiration came from a small scene in the movie. It wasn't the scene where John read the last letter than Savannah wrote, and it wasn't the end of the movie when John and Savannah are together again. The scene that made me cry and made me to most sad was when John was reading the letter he wrote to his father who was in the hospital.
John and his father never had a strong, loving relationship. They loved eachother, of course, but neither of the two men ever showed it. In this particular scene, John's father is in critical condition and John comes in to visit him. He brings his father a letter he wrote, and after some hestiation, John decides to read the letter out loud. In the letter, John recalls his last thoughts before he blacked out after he was shot twice. The last memory he had before he blacked out was the tour of the U.S. Mint his father took him on when he was 8. It was one of John's favorite memories, and one of his father's favorite memories was well. This letter was John's way of letting his father know who much he loved him, even though he never was very good at showing it. By the end of the letter, John was in tears as he held his father's hand and cried. This scene was the most moving and heartbreaking scene in the whole movie. John knew he was going to lose his father and he wanted him to know that he loved him and cherished his time with him, even though they had grown apart.
I am very fortunate to have both of my parents in my life right now. Watching a scene as heavy and as real as the one from Dear John, not only makes me cry because of the incredible emotion portayed in the film, but also because I know one day I will be in John's shoes reading my goodbye letter to my parents. The thought of that day makes my knees weak and breaks my heart a little more with each thought. I cannot imagine the pain and longing I am going to feel when I lose a parent, nor can I even think about it. When the idea does cross my mind, I have to force myself to think of something else. I understand death and I know it is inevitable, but I will never be okay with it. My parents raised me and gave me everything I could ever need or want. I have all in the opportunities in the world because of what they have done for me. They are my guardians, my providers, and my angels. I would be lost without them. My father has never and would never let me go a day without anything, and my mother has loved me unconditionally before she even saw me in the judges office.
I have lost loved ones, and that pain was terrible, but I know when I lose my parents I am going to break down. I am scared I will not be albe to function. I am scared of living without them.The lose of their presence I feel is going to leave me empty and alone. I have depended on them my entire life and they have always been there. What will I do when they are gone? How will I live? I fear their absence, and I dread the day I have to say my goodbyes. I think it is because I am so young, I am just not ready to have to say goodbye. I don't think anyone is ever ready. My parents are both young and healthy and I have many, many years let with them, but Dear John just brought my fears to the surface.
My family is very loving and we show it and say it everyday. The phrase "I love you" is used multiple time each day in my family, so I know my parents know I love them, but I just want to make sure they know I mean it when I say it. I am not just saying "I love you" Mom and Dad, I mean it. I love you and I cherish you. You mean the world to me and I thank God for sending me to you because I cannot imagine life without you!

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