Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Memorable Movies

I recently signed up for Netflix, and I love it! There are so many movies to choose from and I can watch them right on my computer (which is perfect because I don't have a TV at my apartment). One of the first movies I watched was Phoebe in Wonderland starring Elle Fanning, Dakota Fanning's little sister. I discovered this movie when I was watching old Ellen Degeneres clips and Elle was a guest on her show. This little girl was so cute and fascinating. She is about 11 and was so giddy and smart and just excited about everything. To me, she was the type of person you want to meet and be around. Elle was promoting her movie and I saw a few clips and immediately knew I had to see it, so when I finally signed up for Netflix it was the first movie I searched for. The movie was magical, but also had sad moments because Phoebe (Elle Fanning) is struggling with Tourettes. I highly recommend this movie and can't wait to watch it again myself! You can find more information about the movie here. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!


"At a certain part in your life. Probably when too much
of it has gone by. You will open your eyes and see yourself for who
you are. Especially for everything that made you so different from
all the awful normals. And you will say to yourself, "But I am this
person." And in that statement, that correction, there will be a
kind of love."

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Favorite Holiday Memories

1.) Having the family over and watching old, classic movies while dinner is cooking.
2. )Listening to stories told by my Grandpa about my dad and aunt when they was growing up.
3.) Random and hilarious dinner conversation.
4.) Uncle Eric playing with the boys electronic toys.
5.) Cinnamon barking at every little noise and Dan driving her crazy.
6.) My cousin Betsy and I always teaming up to do the dishes after dinner.
7.) My grandpa falling asleep on the couch right after dinner.
8.) Everyone being in a food coma for about an hour and then somehow managing to eat dessert.

I wouldn't say my family has holiday traditions, but these events seem to happen each year, so maybe they are our family's traditions. Either way they are lasting memories that I love to relive each Christmas. What are your favorite holiday memories and/or traditions?

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you have a great day with family and loved ones!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Holiday Cheer

I love Christmas time! I love the decorations, the lights, the cookies and Christmas shopping for that perfect gift! I love the feeling of kindness and love that is in the air.

{Poinsettias that brighten up little corners}

{Our beautiful Christmas tree}

{Everyone's Christmas presents wrapped in brown paper and ribbon for a simple and elegant look}

{The stockings all hung by the chimney with care}

{Homemade Christmas cookie cutouts}

{Homemade Peppermint Bark}

Aside from all the Christmas decorations, I am very excited to see my family this holiday. On Christmas Eve, my mom, step-dad, brothers and I are going to Rochester to visit my Aunt, Uncle and cousins. I am so excited to see all my little cousins. They are so cute and funny, and I never get to see my mom's side of the family so this is an extra special treat! On Christmas day, I'm going to my mom's house to exchange presents and pick up my brothers to come spend the day with my dad. This year my dad decided he wants to host Christmas dinner, so my Aunt, Uncle, cousin and Grandpa will be coming over. This is going to be such a good Christmas. Family, food and fun! I can't wait! What are you doing this Christmas?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Winter Break Goals

1.) Read as many books as possible. I haven't read a book leisurely since over the summer. I read so many books this past summer, but as soon as school comes around I just don't have time or would rather do other things with my spare time. So one goal during this winter break is to read as many books as possible, starting with finishing "Eat Pray Love."


2.) Hit the gym with Fredericka a few times a week. A new friend I made while working at Cole Haan has a membership to World Gym and is allowed to bring a buddy every time she goes for free. I have gone with her once already and we took as spinning class (I will never do that again, I just don't care for it.) She wants to go a lot as well, but likes to have a work out buddy, so I figured we can go together and get fit!


3.) Come up with New Year's Resolutions and stick with them. I am so bad about sticking with my resolutions, and I always have such good ones, its really a shame to not follow through with them. Maybe I will make a decorative picture with my New Year's Resolutions surrounded by things that inspire me for that extra boost of motivation, instead of writing them on a post it that will probably be thrown out at some point.


4.) Save money for my trip to NYC. I am planning on going to NYC to visit my best friend Ashley the first weekend in February. I have not seen Ash since I drove down to NYC with her and her dad to drop her and all of belonging off at her apartment. She is coming home on the 23rd of December and we were hoping to see each other that day, but with Christmas just 2 days away its not going to work out. So, we decided that on the 26th we are going to spend the whole day together! I cannot wait! Besides spending as much time as possible with Ash while she is home, my other goal is to buy my plane tickets and save up some Christmas money and work money from now until February so we can shop and eat and play when I go visit her! So let the saving begin!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!


I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and write a little something about all the things I am thankful for. I am thankful for my wonderful and loving family that I love with all of my heart and would be lost without. I am thankful for my amazing friends who are always there for me and have shared many memories with that I will never forget. I am thankful for my education and all the opportunities that are available to me. I am thankful for my health and the health of my friends and family. I am thankful for my new job that I adore. I am thankful for all the yummy food I get to eat today and the time I get to spend with my family on this holiday!
Speaking for food, time to go help my dad in the kitchen and get started on my dessert! I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Childhood Memories

There is something about the holidays that always reverts me back to my childhood days. Maybe it is because I get all giddy about multi-colored lights and homemade Christmas cutouts cookies, but every year around this time I think back to my favorite childhood memories, and more often than not, they revolve around the holiday season.Here are a few things I loved doing as a child and look forward to doing each and every year.




{Curling up on a snowy night to watch Christmas classics such as Rudolph and How the Grinch Stole Christmas with my family.}

{Sitting with my mom in the living room gazing at the Christmas tree until the lights become a blur of twinkling multi-colored stars.}


{Houses decorated with Christmas lights and how snow covered bushes look after it snows.}

The list goes on and on, but the holidays are just around the corner, so I will be sure to post more of my favorite childhood memories as I think of them.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

'Tis the Season

Okay, so its not quite time to be dusting off the Christmas decorations. Thanksgiving hasn't even passed by yet, but something has got me in the holiday spirit very early this year. Normally I am one of the many people complaining that its too early for Wegman's to have their Christmas tree up for display in the lobby or for Star 102.5 to be playing "White Christmas," but this year I love seeing and hearing Christmas cheer. I was driving to work today and turned on the radio only to hear "Mr. Grinch." I immediately jumped in and sang along. It's November 17! I don't know what it it , but I am loving it! Also, I walked into work today to find subtle hints of holiday decorations that have completely inspired me for home decor for my apartment. I am so excited to get my paycheck this Friday so I can begin my Christmas decoration shopping and well as Christmas present shopping!
I am so excited about this holiday season that I have not been able to sleep, and instead have spent the past hour searching the Internet for good deals at Michael's and Jo-Ann's on decorations. Here are some ideas that have inspired me to brighten up my apartment for the holidays!

{Garlands draped over the windows and little side table with candles or pine cones mixed in}





{A large bouquet of Christmas berry stems in a tall clear vase}


{Candy canes in glass holders on the coffee table for guests to enjoy a sweet treat}



{Cute little trinkets placed throughout the apartment}


{Wooden letters that spell out words such as Noel and Peace & mini Christmas trees}

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Things I Need to Work On

1.) I need to start listening to my gut. It's always right. My mother always told me to go with my gut. She is a smart woman, and I should have taken her advice a long time ago. But she was mother, so of course, I wasn't going to listen to her. :) Now that I am becoming a young woman, I'm taking all of her life lessons to heart.

2.) I need to take things for what they are, not what I want them to be. Bottom line,I read into things too much and don't like to accept things for what they are depending on the situation. So, I guess you could say I'm a hard head.

3.) I need to work on not letting people have such a hold of my emotions, especially when I am just getting to know them. I guess another way of putting this is, I need to learn to not jump the gun.

4.) I have to remember to not let my wants become greater than my needs. To want something is just a feeling of desire. A need is a situation is which something is required. I wanted things to work out, but I need someone who wants me.

5.) I need to remind myself that I am worth it, and that I deserve to be treated the way I want to be treated. I need to learn to not sacrifice myself for others and stay true to myself and my values.

6.) I don't want to give people more than they are willing to give to me. I give a lot, and I am happy to, but I should then expect something in return. There is nothing wrong with that. Life should be a give and take relationship with others, not just give, give, give.

Well, that was my little pep talk for myself. I have gone through some very good life lessons in the past few weeks, and although there were some tough experiences, I fully believe that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I definitely feel I am walking away from these experiences a stronger, more focused person who knows what I want, need and deserve.

Monday, October 4, 2010

All Bundled Up

So, I think it is safe to day that Fall is in fact here, and Winter is waiting just around the corner to bombard us with snow. I am currently blogging in sweatpants, thick fuzzy socks, a thick hoodie with the hood up, a fleece blanket and a cup of scolding hot cocoa that is way to hot to actually drink, but serves as a hand warmer until I can guzzle it down to warm my insides. And all I can think as I sit here in this state is... why do I live here???
Yesterday, I took my mom to see a great little musical called "Forever Plaid." It was full of the best music of the 50s and 60s sung by a young quartet of men. There was humor and life and beautiful notes. I could not stop smiling the entire show. When we left the show, we were in high spirits. That was until we stepped outside into the cold, rainy weather. The sky was dark and gloomy and made you feel instantly miserable. On the ride home, my mom and I discussed how terrible the weather is in Buffalo, in general. When its not snowing 6 months out of the year, its raining, and when its not raining and we have a few weeks of nice weather we are in such shock we run around like maniacs trying to do all the fun things we can't a majority of the year and we end up exhausted. Now, I know I sound like I'm complaining, but I'm really not, its just the way it is. I have lived in the Buffalo area all of my life, and I love getting to experience all 4 seasons, but I think after 21 years I am over it. I am ready to have longer summers and winters that don't involve 4 feet of snow.
Now, with that said, where do I want to go? Well that my friends is the ironic part. I don't want to go to Florida or California or South Carolina or any where warm really. The only place I want to go is to New York City. The city does get all four seasons. Not all harshly, or in some cases such as Fall, not as beautifully, but that is where I want to go. If I ever need to see more orange, yellow, and red trees or jump in a pile of leaves, I can always venture to Central Park. If I ever need to make a snow man or a snow angel, Central Park is where I will go. And if I ever need more Fall or more Winter, I can always come home to good old Buffalo.
So, for now, I will stay all bundled up until the day when I can call the city my home.



Thursday, September 16, 2010

Friendship

I've always known that I have a great group of friends, but sometimes they do little things that really make me feel blessed. Last night, for example, I had to take my first open book exam for an online Geography class I am taking. It was pretty difficult, even with the book and access to the internet right in front of me. I was having quite a bit of trouble and was reading a question to myself out loud (like I do sometimes when I have no idea what's going on), and then next thing I know my girlfriend Molly is reading me the answer that she found on the internet. I was so surprised that she just took the initiate to look that up for me and so thankful! She helped me for a bit longer until I finally felt like I was getting somewhere with the exam. Then a little while later, my other girlfriend Erin came home from dinner with her boyfriend, and we all took a break from homework to eat the bread sticks she brought home for us. We started chatting and Erin asked me what I was doing. I told her about my ridiculously hard exam and a minute later she grabs my book and a pencil and helps me find the answer! Thanks to my awesome girlfriends I got an A on that darn exam! Thanks girls!
Besides helping each other with homework, the girls and I are always doing fun things with one another and for one another. I don't think I have eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner at my apartment in weeks. I will grab a granola bar to eat on the way to class, Molly and I meet at the corner to walk to campus together, she will invite me over to lunch, and then I will offer to make dinner, or vis versa. Its pretty great!
Last Friday was the best dinner I have had in awhile! Erin, Molly, Trina and I went to the Saigon Cafe on Elmwood. The food was great, people watching while sitting at our table outside was great, and the company was the best part! Enjoying a delicious dinner with my friends was a great way to unwind after a long week.
This week has been pretty busy and I cannot wait until the weekend gets here! Luckily, I don't have to wait very long, because tonight some of the girls and I are going to our bar, also known as Fathers! Then tomorrow, Friday night, we are all going to partake in our first bar crawl! It's the Save the Boobies Bar Crawl and a majority of the proceeds go towards Breast Cancer research! I am so excited about my first bar crawl! On Saturday, the girls and I will be going to the Market like we always do to grab some fresh produce and flowers, and that night we are going to Heenan's! This weekend is going to rock! And I get to enjoy every second of it with my friends! I better get my camera charged, I have a feeling this is going to be a memorable weekend! :)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Simple Pleasures

Sometimes, I forget that happiness can be found in very simple ways. I like to think of myself as a simple girl, for the most part. I don't have to be doing something or buying something to be happy, I can just enjoy things that happen in my everyday life. Here are some of my most recent simple pleasures...

1. Waking up to the sun shining into my bedroom on a cool fall day.
2. Getting into bed that has just been made with clean, fresh sheets.
3. Drinking a hot cup of tea after a long day.
4. Having fresh flowers throughout my apartment that I bought at the market.
5. Waking up and realizing there is nothing you have to do that day.
6. Lighting your favorite candle and having its heavenly scent fill the apartment.
7. Smelling apple cider and cinnamon and it takes you back to your favorite fall memories.
8. Having a not-so-good day and then your favorite song comes on the radio and lifts your spirits.
9. Getting a cheerful and unexpected call or text from a friend that puts a smile on your face for the rest of the day.
10. Doing a kind act that puts a smile on someone else's face.

What are your simple pleasures?

Friday, September 3, 2010

10 Things That Are Going On In My Life

1. Classes began on August 23rd, so I have been diligently keeping up with my studies and learning new things.
2. My new roommate has officially moved in and cooks amazing dinners for our friends quite often.
3. I got another job right on campus that pays a great hourly wage.
4. I have been on health kick for a while that involves eating well and exercising. {I need to work on the exercising part a bit more :)}
5. I have discovered that Aldi is the cheapest place to grocery shop and I rave about my great finds all the time.
6. I also found out that there is a cute little market right down the street from me that I will be going to all the time to pick up fresh produce and people watch.
7. I have been seriously considering studying aboard in London next semester, and just the thought of it makes me so excited.
8. I have been doing a little clothes shopping here and there and my new favorite place to find great accent pieces for a bargin is Charlotte Russe.
9. A new "hobby" I have decided to take up is writing people letters and sending them in the mail. So far I have written my girlfriend who moved to NYC this summer a cute letter in a fun card I found at Michael's craft store.
10. I am looking forward to the next few months to see where it takes me, whether it be London, England or a few trips to NYC to visit a good friend, and what I can accomplish.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

NYC Bound

I am going here tomorrow!!!








One of my very best friends is moving back to NYC to go to school, and I am going with her and her dad to help her move into her apartment! I am so excited to get to go to my favorite city in the world, but also very sad because when I head home, A will be staying in NYC. I am going to miss her so much! The one good thing about A living in NYC is that I can come visit her all the time, which I definitely plan on doing about once a month! I was researching train tickets, and for a round trip ticket its only $50! And there is this great deal that Megabus offers. If you are one of the first 50 people to book a seat on the bus it's only one dollar! ONE dollar that's amazing!
Well, its time to get back to helping her pack! And by this time tomorrow I will be wondering the streets of my future home!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

A Quick, Easy, and Delicious Dinner

Since moving into my new apartment I have been cooking a lot! I love it! Cooking and baking are one of my favorite activities! The other day I made a yummy little meal meal that took no time at all! I used the ingredients above and not only was it so good, but it was so easy!
Here's what I did:
First, I filled up a pit about halfway with water and placed it on the stove on high to let the water boil. In the mean time, I took a head of broccoli and cut up the florets to a smaller size. I probably used about a half a cup of broccoli. I love broccoli so I was pretty generous. Once the water had boiled, I put about a cup of bow tie pasta in and let it cook about 8 to 10 minutes. i was just cooking for myself, so if you are cooking for more than one you may want to adjust the amount of pasta and broccoli. I don't have all the proper kitchen tools, so instead of steaming the broccoli, I just took the florets I cut up and placed them in a microwave safe bowl filled with water and throw it in the microwave for about three minutes. I like my broccoli a bit firmer, so depending on how you like it, keep it in for a longer or shorter time. After the pasta cooked I drained it and put it back in the pot with some oil so it wouldn't dry out. Then I dished out some pasta, put some broccoli on top, and sprinkled some Parmesan cheese over everything.
It was as easy as that, and it might be one of my new favorite recipes. I am having my girlfriend over this week for dinner and a show. We are going watch Pretty Little Liars, out new guilty pleasure! I think I am going to make this meal, but add some chicken to the mix!



I hope you enjoy this recipe!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Food and Friends

So, ever since I moved into my new apartment I have been hosting little breakfast get togethers whenever I can. I love cooking and having friends over, so... I thought why not do both at the same time!! The menu usually consists of pancakes (but not just any normal pancake, oh no no, chocolate chip pancakes!), eggs, occasionally toast, and today, we even had sausage to add to the mix! Breakfast food is so easy and quick to throw together, and even though hosting a little breakfast party about every week sounds expensive, everything I make is actually pretty cheap. Eggs are little over a dollar for a dozen, and at most, I use 6. Pancake mix is about 3 dollars, but I only use about one cup of mix. Plus, when I make breakfast, my girlfriends will make dinner and that is a pretty great trade!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Just a Few Summer Goals

1. Become financially responsible. I am so bad with money. The phrase "Money burns a hole in my pocket" has never been more true in my case. I need to start saving and now! I need to start accumulating money in my savings account and not having to wait on my paychecks to have money. Plus, I have so many things I want to be able to do, but they all require money. Such as, going to NYC at least every other month starting in September because one of my best friends is moving there in August for school and I would like to visit her as much as possible and get to know the city seeing as I want to move there for school next fall. This goal is contingent on the rest of my goals so this is definitely my top priority, and I am sick of worrying about money so if I was just more careful about it I wouldn't have to stress about it.

2. By the end of the summer I would like to have my room in my new apartment all set up. I have this amazing idea in my head. I really want to have this room reflect me and be a place I love to hang out in. The first step is to repaint the walls a neutral color like a beige or tan. Then from there I will do little things like put up my pictures.

3. Before the school year starts, I would like to get wireless Internet for the apartment. As much as I love our new couch, it is a real pain in the butt to have to sit there and plug the cord into my computer every time I want to use the Internet. I believe its about $50 to install the router, which isn't bad, but I need to save up before I can get that installed (which goes back to goal #1).

4. Begin working out at least 3 times a week, then hopefully more often once I get a routine down. It's simple really. I have access to a free gym at my school, I just got a bike, my feet work so a walk or short jog is not out of the question, and I have two beautiful places I could run, walk, or bike. Delaware Park is only a few block from my house and it's so nice there, and Forest Lawn Cemetery is only three block away. I love Forest Lawn. it is so beautiful in there and so peaceful! Plus my girlfriends are always saying how they want to exercise too so we could all do it together!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Wishful Thinking


Sometimes I get these urges to just pick up and go. I am anxious, feeling trapped, need a change, want to explore, and mostly just want to leave where I am and start over in NYC. I think about it every once in awhile. I google NYC and look and the beautiful images of Central Park and the skyscrapers and I just need to be there. I will search jobs in NYC on Craigslist and think about hoping on a train, finding a job and starting my life in NYC today, now, this second. But then I realize I am going to school right now and am tied into an apt lease for a year, and all those plans are crushed and I'm just left with the horrible anxious feeling all over again. Someday though, I will live in New York City. I will attend LIM next fall and get an incredible intership and then find a great job that I do love. I will no longer have to look at pictures of the city, I will be there and see everything with my own eyes. I will be starring up at the skyscrapers that are towering over me and love every second of it.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Happy 4th of July!


Tonight, I went to see a firework show in my little home town with my girlfriend and it was so much fun! There were a ton of people and as we made our way through the crowd, my friend said something that I completely agreed with. She stated that she loves events where a bunch of people, or in this case a town, can come together to enjoy and share a common bond or experience. It was so funny that she said that because I have always felt that way. That is probably why the love going to fairs, art shows, concerts and sporting events so much. I love that feeling of togetherness, and with the added feeling of patriotism last night, watching the fireworks in one of my favorite parks with hundreds of people was the highlight of my day. The firework show was spectacular as usual. I am always surprised by how great the show is because its such a small town, but every year I'm very impressed. The finale is always my favorite part, a bunch of colors and sounds all happening at the same time! I just love it! When I really think about it, I just love the 4th of July! The weather is hot, there is always a picnic or five somewhere and there are fireworks! It doesn't get any better! I had a great time watching the fireworks tonight with my good girlfriend, and tomorrow will be great too! I am spending the day hanging out by the former roomies pool all day and snacking on chips and dip (my guilty pleasure), then we are heading down to the beach at night to watch some more fireworks and party! I cannot wait! I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Midnight Premier!

Wednesday at 12:01am, the third installment of the Twilight Saga hit theatres! And yes, I was one of the many die hard fans that bought my ticket over a month ago and was at the midnight premier of Eclipse. I went with my former roommate, who is the biggest Twilight fan I have ever met, and the whole experience was amazing! We have not hung out since we both moved out of our old apartment so that made the night so much better! We went out for a late dinner at Red Robin and I got an incredible chicken sandwich! Then we decided to save some money and hit up Wegman's bulk section for some yummy snacks. I purchased watermelon sour gummies and licorice snaps, and I think it only cost me about 2 dollars for a big hand full of each candy! I love the bulk section! It was about 10:30 pm by that time we left the store so we headed to the theatre to get in line, knowing it was probably all the way out to the street by now. Surprisingly, when we got there the lines were not so bad, and we waited in line for maybe 5 minutes before we got in head in to sit down. This is when the anticipation set in. Lucky for me, I am content people watching, and that's what I did for about an hour and a half. Time flew by! I was surprised, but relieved. The movie started and it was great! I was very happy to see that this movie was very similar to the book. I loved every second of it, especially when Jacob would come on the screen shirtless! Yes, I am rooting for Team Jacob (even though I have read the books and know what happens). I just love him! My favorite line in the book and movie was, "Bella, you wouldn't have to change for me." I melted right then and there. He is just so great! And those abs! Holy cow! I definitely recommend this movie whether you have read the books or not. I will probably go see it at least one more time!
I found these shirts at Target about a month ago and I just had to buy one! Plus, they were on sale! Can you guess which one I got? :)

A New Approach

I recently found some new blogs that I have fallen in love with and they seem to all have something in common- each blogger will occasionally just have a short write up about there future plans, something fun they did that day, or just a little something on whatever it is that is on their mind with some pictures. I love reading those blogs! They are fun and cute and laid back. I noticed, after reading those blogs, that in my blog I usually write a lot and my topic is either about something really great or really terrible that is going on in my life. But why do I have to write about such extremes? What about everything in between? So, I have decided I am going to start writing some short, fun blogs, as well as, my long, intimate ones. :)

Monday, March 22, 2010

Missing You?

It is possible to miss someone you don't know? I honestly don't know the answer to that. Maybe 'missing' isn't the right word, but it hold the same feeling. A feeling of longing and a sort of emptiness at times.
The person I am missing, and have been missing, is my biological mother. I have never met her. I don't even know her name. I do know a few things about her. She was 17 when she had me and gave me up for adoption. She was 5'4", just like I am. She has brown eyes, just like I do, and the nurses told my mother she was absolutely gorgeous. I think about her often. I was listening to a song called "I Wonder" by Kellie Pickler today that reminded me of her. This song makes me cry every time I hear it.
It's funny, right around my birthday and in June, I think about her the most, but I didn't think of her until today, a week after my birthday. This is probably because last week was rough. I wonder if she was thinking about me on my birthday. Does she remember the baby girl she gave up on March 15th? What is she doing now? What is her career? Is she married with children? Does she miss me?
I know it's crazy, but sometimes I walk around a store or down a street and I see women that are about 38 and I wonder if one of the women walking by me is her. Does she do that too? Does she walk around Wegmans, see young girls and wonder if any of them are the baby girl she gave up 21 years ago? Does she wonder what I look like now? Does she even life in the Buffalo are anymore?
I do not wish I lived another life. I am incredibly grateful for my parents and the wonderful life I was given, I just wonder about her, that's all. The questions are endless, and I sometimes find it hard to believe that I don't know, and will probably never know, the name or the face of the woman who gave birth to me. Was it hard to give me away? Did you cry? Or was it easy and you felt relieved?
I think about you often, and I probably always will. I hope you are doing well. I hope you haven't forgotten about me, but I also hope you don't worry. I am doing very well. I am going to Canisius College now, and studying very hard. I bet you would be proud. I want you to know, I am not mad at you, sometimes I am just sad. I just wish I could know you. It has been hard for me to accept the fact that I am adopted, especially when I was younger. I felt abandoned. Isn't that silly? You gave me up so I would have a better chance. I have a loving, caring family, and I felt abandoned. I am ashamed when I look back and think about how I thought I was alone. My mother would do anything for me, and she has loved me before she even know me. She loved me the moment she knew that her and my father would be the parents of a little baby girl. She did not even know what I looked like. She hadn't even seen me yet, and she loved me. I was never alone or abandoned. I felt alone only because I don't understand why you gave me up. I think I have a pretty good idea, you were only 17. That seems like a good reason to give a child up for adoption. Or at least I assume that is the reason. It hurts too much to even think that could be any other reason.
Well, I just wanted you to know, where ever you are, that I think about you and at times I miss you. Thank you for giving me a chance at a better life. I got one. I could not ask for a more amazing or loving family, and I know that what you did, even though it hurts me at times, you did it because you did love me. I will never forget that, and I will never forget you.

"I Wonder"
By Kellie Pickler

Sometimes I think about you
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinking bout me
And would you even recognize
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be
Cause I look in the mirror and all I see
Are your brown eyes looking back at me
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all

Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
There's sunny skies as far I can see
If you ever come back home to Carolina
I wonder what you'd say to me

I think about how it ain't fair
That you weren't there to braid my hair
Like mothers do
You weren't around to cheer me on
Help me dress for my high school prom
Like mothers do
Did you think I didn't need you here
To hold my hand
To dry my tears
Did you even miss me through the years at all

Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
There's sunny skies as far I can see
If you ever come back home to Carolina
I wonder what you'd say to me

Forgiveness is such a simple word
But it's so hard to do when you've been hurt

Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
And just in case you're wondering about me
From now on I won't be in Carolina
Your little girl is off
Your little girl is off
Your little girl is off to Tennessee

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

It's a Good Day!

Today has been a great day! It has been wonderful and rewarding! The sun is out and I have been walking outside wearing just a hoodie! I am loving it!
I am currently sitting in the library- where I should really be studying for my Women in American History midterm on Friday, but instead I am blogging. I managed to find an empty table right next to the windows and the heat of the sun feels amazing! The sky is blue and bright, and I am finding it hard not to smile. People who glance my way probably think I am crazy, but I don't mind. I am so happy, I just can't help it!
My happiness all began this morning when I walked out the front door of my apartment to head to class and it was a perfect morning. The sun was out, the snow is almost gone, and there was a light morning breeze that was gently waking all my senses preparing me to take on the day. When I made it to my first and only class of the day, my Art History professor handed back the formal analysis we had to write on Ancient Egyptian art. I had spent a lot of time on that paper and was very proud of it. I was nervous that I had not approached the topic correctly, and that I was not writing what she was looking for. But I had worried for no reason because I got a B+! I am very happy with that grade! Of course, I want to strive for an A in the future, but I'll take a B+ any day! After Art History, I made my way to my Philosophy professor's office to earn some extra credit on an exam I didn't do so hot on, but I plan to do much better on in the future. I aced the oral exam and earned the maximum extra points, I left her office feeling confident due to her encouraging words and my determination that I will do better next time around. To top off my great day, I logged onto the school's course management system, Angel, and saw that my History professor posted the grade for my paper, and I got an A!
I am just so proud of myself. I work very hard to do so well, and I take my education very seriously. I am so blessed to be going to such a great college, and I know that. I want to do well for myself and for my future, but also for my father. He works very hard to be able to afford to send me to Canisius, and I am very lucky to have a parent who is willing to pay for my education. Not to mention, I need to keep my GPA up in order to keep my scholarship, which is not an issue because I will never allow my GPA to get so low that losing my scholarship could ever be a possibility, but nonetheless, it is motivation. I find it interesting that in high school I was one of those students who didn't have to try very hard to do well, it just came easy to me. I was always on the Honor Roll, and took for granted the fact that I didn't have to try very hard to succeed. Now that I have to work for my grades, it's almost more rewarding when I get an A or even a B because I know I earned that grade and that I can achieve my goals. I love school. I love to learn, and I love the reward I get for pushing myself and always striving to do better. The internal reward of feeling accomplished and proud of my hard work is sometimes better than the external reward of earning a great grade and overall GPA.
So, while the sun was my initial reason for my happiness this morning, I suppose I make myself happy too. I can make my own sunshine :). All I have to do is continue to work hard and not give up. My mother has always implemented the idea that I can do anything I set my mind to. I believe that 110%, and I think, had my mother not said this to me every time I was down or feeling nervous, I wouldn't be who, or where, I am today. Her belief and confidence in me has helped me to believe in myself. And not only that, but her confidence in me, has helped me to find my own confidence. I will always have days when I am not sure if I can do it, that's just human nature, and there are exams and papers I don't do well on, but I know I can do well, and next time I will do better. I have my mother, father, and everyone who has ever encouraged and believed in me to thank for my confidence, strength, and drive to always push myself. So...Thank you! I won't let you down, and more importantly, I won't let myself down! My will keep my own sun shining, even on the dreariest of days!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Sunny Sunday Afternoon


"I'm laying here dreaming, staring at the ceiling,
Wasting the day away..."
-Jewel, "Stay Here Forever"

I am in the mood to write. I don't really have anything in particular I want to blog about, I just want to write whatever comes to mind. :)
I have been sitting at the table in my apartment for a few hours now. I am listening to country music and just letting my mind wonder. I currently have Jewel "Stay Here Forever" on repeat. I love this song! It was the inspiration for this blog.
Well, not much has happen today. All my roommates are out and about, and I am just relaxing in the living room. The sun is streaming in the windows and lighting up our beautiful yellow walls. It brightens my day to see the sun and be reminded that Spring is on its way after all these months of snow and cold. Yesterday after work, I sat in our 'bowl chair' in front of the bay window and just soaked up the sun. It was so nice. I swear, things as simple as the sun shining when I wake up in the morning makes me so so happy. I feel like I can relax and not worry about things for the time being. I just take in moment of calm and enjoy the warmth of the sun.
I can't wait until all the snow is melted and the sun and a t-shirt is all I will need, and I can enjoy the sun everyday while sitting out on my patio. Spring, you can't get here soon enough!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Rambling...

I haven't blogged in 8 days! Normally, this would not phase me, but since I have been blogging like a fein lately, 8 days feels like a month!
Well, I have good reason to be MIA. I have been bedridden since Thursday. I woke up on Wednesday with no voice, and I thought, "Huh, this is weird. I feel fine, but have no voice." I went throughout my whole day feeling fine and doing everything I normally would do. Thursday morning, that was a different story. Not only did I wake up with no voice, I was also shaky, achy, had a terrible headache, hot then cold. Basically, I was a mess. I laid in bed all day Thursday (luckily my art history class was cancelled), and ended up going home to my Dad's for some TLC. Even though I was so sick, it was really nice to be home and just relax. I honestly laid in my bed or on the couch for four days, and slept for about 18 hours of each day. It was ridiculous, I felt so lazy! But it was what I needed to feel better. I read some a book I have been picking up here and there called The Piano Teacher by Janice Y. K. Young. It's a very good book, I just can't find the time to read with classes and everything. I also watched more movies in those four days than I have in probably two months! When I wasn't sleeping, I was laying down watching a movie. Alittle R&R was all I needed to feel better, along with a few dozen movies, my dad, and of course an entire bottle of NyQuil! :)
Just for fun, let's see if I can name all the movies I watched.
-Couples Retreat- very funny!
-Valentine's Day- great movie, but I wanted to punch Taylor Swift for being so annoying, and I even like her music, so that's saying something about her character.
-Starstruck- new Disney channel movie. It was so cute!
-Mission Impossible 3- Tom Cruise is gorgeous.
-Rambo- my dad had control of the clicker-enough said.
-Peter Pan- childhood favorite.
-Peter Pan 2: Return to Neverland-it just makes me wish Neverland was real, and yes I am going to be 21 in 2 weeks.
-The Fox and the Hound- saddest movie I may have ever seen.
-The Fox and the Hound 2- ehh, it was okay.
-Holiday in the Sun-I went back to my youth and MK&A days. I loved them!
and probably about 5 more I can't think of!
I am a movie junkie what can I say. :)
On Thursday, when I first started to get sick, I laid in bed and when I wasn't watching Disney movies or sleeping, I was sprucing up my blog. You may have noticed the snazzy background I found. Isn't it so cute!? I love it! It's very vintage/Victorian era.
Well, that's all the rambling I can think of for now! Until next time!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Hallmark is the Devil

It's Valentine's day. I hate Valentine's day, but doesn't everyone in the single community. Hallmark has created a holiday that you either love- because you are in a relationship, or you hate- because being single is rubbed in your face. I have been emotional and sensitive almost all day. It's not like I'm desperate for a relationship, or I need to be in a relationship. I actually enjoy being single, and there is nothing wrong with being single. I have the rest of my life to find someone and be happy with them.
I was having a pretty good day. I woke up and hing out with my dad for a bit. But, it wasn't long after I woke up that things started to spiral downward. My girlfriend, and future roommate, and I had a major texting miscommunication. I didn't know what was going on and I felt like I was being thrown to the wayside. That was not the case at all, but Emotional Mary had taken over that this point so there was no hope for me.
Some time later I headed back to the apartment. I made some cute valentines day cards for Kim and Bob. I even made some homemade goodies! I called my mom and wished her a happy valentine's day, and I even sent my ex, Brandon, a text. We have been talking here and there and are doing well as friends so I thought it would be nice. He didn't text me back, which was okay, but kinda sad. I was shocked when my phone began to ring at 3 o'clock and I looked down to see him number. He wished me a happy valentine's day and we chatted. He even wanted to hang out after he got out of work! I couldn't believe it. It was nice of him to think of me and want to spend time with me. I know he still cares and wants to be together, but I'm just not ready. I was hurt a lot. I cared about him and would do anything for him, and he just didn't reciprocate that. In the end I did say yes to hanging out. It would be nice to see with him.
After we talked, I finished making the valentine's cards, dropped them off, and did a little workout session. I was feeling good. Then, like the addict I am, I checked Facebook. I figured I would look at Brandon's page, see what he has been up to. Oh boy, I found out what he has been up to, that's for sure.
He and his other ex, that he wanted to marry, have been talking. Now, before I give you the wrong impression, they talked back and forth only a few times; I just don't understand why? He has been texting me randomly just to chit chat and making a good effort at being friends. Then I find out he has also been talking to Kristen! That just really bothers me and hurts my feelings. The thing is, we aren't even dating. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. Has he just been contacting all his exes!? Ughhh I don't even know what to think or say! I'm sad and I'm mad all at the same time, but I have no right to be. We broke up. I guess I am just jealous that he still talks to her? I know she hurt him a lot and I don't like her for that. But I also know he wanted to marry her. I think about that, and I wonder what their relationship was like. If he wanted to marry her, they must have had a good relationship. I wonder what they did, and how he treated her? Did he treat her the same way he treated me? He must not have because we had some pretty rocky times, and he never really seemed to care about us.
I thought I was someone special in Brandon's life, but I'm just an ex, and he talks to all his exes I guess.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Life is Good.

I felt it again. I got that feeling you get when you realize you life is perfect and you just can't believe it! It happened yesterday. It was a rough day for my family. My dad was having surgery and everyone was nervous. The surgery went very well and by the end of the day, my dad was doing great and laughing with my grandpa and I. To unwind and relax after a stressful day, my amazing friend Kim invited me over for movie night with her and Jake, my new amazing friend. Kim was having a rough day too, but like the saying goes, "At the end day, it will all work out." And it did! For the both of us.
Well, movie night turned into Sabres night and talk about random things and laugh your butt off night! It was wonderful and much needed. Then we all got a pleasant surprise when Bob, the man how lives above Kim, came down and hung out. Then we really had some laughs. As I sat on the couch and watched The Nanny and Kim showing Bob and Jake her pictures, the feeling came over me. "It is going to be like this all the time. Kim and I are going to live together in this adorable apartment, and Bob and Jake will be here to hang out and laugh with us." I was so excited and so happy. I couldn't help but smile and think what a great life I have, and what incredible friends and family I have.
Life is good. I could not ask for anything more. My father is healthy and out of pain. The doctor did a wonderful job and took great care of my dad while he was on the operation table. Kim was there for me, and I was there for Kim. Jake was the comic relief and brought smiles to our faces every second. Bob was just freakin' hilarious. There is nothing more I could ask for and nothing more that I could want. My life is perfect and I have so many people to thank for that. These little moments where it hits me, that I have an amazing life are the best moments. I don't think my life woul be so incredible without taking the time to acknowledge it. The feeling with just come out of know where. Sometimes you will be doing the simplest of things, like hanging out with friends. I hope to have this feeling happen to me a thousand times so I will never forget how blessed I am. Life is good. :)

Monday, February 8, 2010

I can't get you out of my mind

Last night I was up for about 2 hours tossing and turning. My mind was wondering here, there and everywhere. Then somehow, out of the blue, I remembered my summer with Kyle.
I was 17 at the time and working on the ranch in Wyoming. It was my second year working in the kitchen and Kyle's first. Kyle had gotten to job through his older brother Gabe, who had been working on the ranch for about 7 years. Kyle and I were the same age, which was nice because I was used to be the youngest, which had its perks at times.
I remember meeting Kyle and thinking we has a cute boy. He was very quiet around me at first. He only ever really talked to Gabe and Josh, but that all changed the night we all stayed late in the kitchen and experimented with some new recipes. I was craving cheesecake, so I decided to try to make it. I was talking with everyone and we were laughing. By this time, it had been a few days since I arrived, and Kyle had started to talk to me a bit more. I was walking from the bakery to the kitchen when all of a sudden someone came up behind me and tickled me. I was shocked when I turned around and it was Kyle. That was the beginning, but it gets better.
That same night, one of Gerry's colleagues (Gerry Spence, the owner and creator of TLC) had passed away a few years back. His colleague had a daughter and always wanted her to meet Gerry. She had just arrived that night or the night before, I can't quite recall. Well, she came into the kitchen to hang out and get away from all the lawyers. I can't remember this girls name, but she was different that's for sure. We were all talking when she came up with the craziest idea. She wanted to have a prong fight. Prongs are those long, sharp utensils some people use to turn over big hunks for meat on the grill. Yeah, those things, and she wanted to have a sword fight with them. The next thing I knew Kyle was all for it and they were out on the lawn in the dark stabbing at each other. I was shocked and couldn't even watch, I had to stay in the kitchen while the boys went out and watched.
Now I didn't know Kyle very well at this point. I had only meet him a few days prior, but I was slightly concerned as to his decision, and kinda jealous of the girl. I just couldn't comprehend why he wanted to participate in the prong fight and why with her? After the fight, they both came in and Kyle was a bruised, bloody mess. She had really gone at him, and she barely had a scrape. He said he was not about to actually poke her, but she, on the other hand, and no problem jabbing him as hard as possible. Things settled down after that and Gabe and Josh went to bed. The girl was up for more crazy antics, and as much as I was afraid of what was to come, I didn't like the idea of leaving Kyle alone with her. At this point, I thought Kyle liked this girl, so I don't know why I stuck around anyway. We wondered around, threw out some ideas for what to do next, then finally decided to sit in the walk in cooler until we couldn't anymore. The cooler was packed with food and pretty cold. We didn't last very long and after we made our way out, I was so tired I decided to go to bed. Kyle and the girl planned on staying up and I went to bed thinking that by the end of the night those two were going to kiss.
I woke up the next day wondering if the craziness from the night before was just a dream, but when I walked into the kitchen, the boys were talking about Kyle's battle wounds and I knew it was not a dream. I found out later that Kyle and the girl had stayed up til 4 am sitting on the roof of one of the houses talking. There was no kissing. I was surprised and relieved at the same time.
A day or so later the girl went back home to the state of Washington and it was just me and the boys again. We talked about how bizarre the girl was and they told me that night of the prong fight they thought the girl had a thing for me. I thought they were joking, but apparently they had picked up on some things that I had missed. I still don't know what they are talking about, but I'm not gonna lie I was kinda relieved because at least she didn't like Kyle.
After than night, the days started to blur together, but there are 2 very significant things that happened that summer I will never forget, both involving Kyle. The first, and my favorite memory, is of The Night I Knew. There is an old milk barn on the ranch that has been turned into a rec room. There are some couches, a old TV that I don't think even works,a little separate room with exercise equipment, a fridge always full of beer and my mini stock of Smirnoff Ice that the boys would get for me, and a pool table. At night, the boys and I would always go hang out there to relax and play some pool. I became a pretty good pool player during those summers. Gabe taught me well.
On this particular night, I was pretty tired and decided to deck out quietly while the boys were out back taking a leak. I was halfway across the lawn when I heard a voice behind me say, "Where ya going, Mary?" I turned around and there was Kyle standing in the light of the doorway wearing his navy blue button down shirt that had a giant white pistol on it. I couldn't believe he had noticed I had left, which shouldn't have shocked me seeing as I was the only girl working on the ranch besides our boss Kay, and the only girl in the rec room. I was also shocked that he cared I was leaving. I told him I was going to bed and he said I should stay longer. I invited him to come back to my little hut. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew I was falling for him, and that he liked me back. We walked over to my hut and laid in bed all night talking about anything and everything. We just laid there side by side with only the sides of our arms and legs touching. I remember after laying there for hours, I just wanted Kyle to kiss me. It didn't quite happen that way though. If I recall correctly, he told me to kiss him or dared me to, but in the end we kissed, and it was short and sweet and perfect.
Kyle went back to his own cabin before the sun came up, but every night after that we would spend the nights together. Kyle made me laugh and smile and I loved being around him. I really liked Kyle and we became very close. Unfortunately, about a month later that all came to an abrupt halt.
My second significant memory involving Kyle is The Accident. One day, after dinner was over and the kitchen was cleaned up, Kyle and I went into town. I really wanted to go to the little town store and get some colored pencils so I could draw. The mountains and landscape surrounding the ranch was so beautiful I wanted to try and draw it. Kyle had a 1960 Ford truck that was a lime green color and had the biggest steering wheel I have ever seen. On they way back to the ranch, Kyle and I were joking around and laughing. Kyle was not staying perfectly in between the lines of the road, which wasn't a big deal until a car was heading in our direction. I told Kyle to stay between the lines because he was making me nervous, but we were still having fun. He decided to be Mr. Funny and swayed his car over the line more to pretend like he was going to hit the car that was headed our way, but still far down the road. We laughed and he let go of the wheel so I leaned over to grab the wheel to veer it back to our side of the road. Little did I know how sensitive his steering wheel was. One pull of the steering wheel and we were spinning out of control. I was thrown all over the cab of the truck. I remember feeling the truck hit the guardrail, the back wheels lifted up and we slammed down on the pavement. I was in shock. I could not believe that happened and I was shrieking and crying. Kyle got out of the truck and told me to calm down, kissed me, and grabbed my hand to help me to get out on his side of the truck. He asked me if I was okay, and I said yes because the shock of the accident was still masking the pain. The car that was headed our way pulled over and helped us. There was a family in the car. They all climbed out if the van and asked if we were okay. They handed me some paper towels and a water bottle and told me my forehead was bleeding. I wiped my forehead and looked at the paper towel to see it soaked in blood. That's when the pain set in. My head hurt, my knee hurt, my hand had a big gash on it, a scar still can be seen, and my right shoulder was killing me.
Some lawyers recognized Kyle's car and were headed back to the ranch, they told Kay and Gabe they we were in an accident and they were there about 45 minutes later, but it seemed like forever. By the time they had arrived, so had the ambulance. I was sitting inside the ambulance while the EMT took my vitals. They were concerned I had a concussion from the blow my head took to the windshield. My head had cracked almost the entire glass and pieces of glass where stuck in my forehead and pieces of my hair was stuck in the shattered glass. My shoulder had smashed the passengers side window out and left a huge dent in the door.
When I saw Kay and began to cry again and told her I was sorry. I called my mother and told her everything was fine but I was in an accident and off to the hospital I went. Kyle and I rode together and I was strapped down to a body board wearing a neck brace. I kept falling asleep, but the EMT would wake me up. An hour and a half later we made it to the Lander Valley Hospital where I had to have an MRI and a CAT scan. My back was killing me, but only from the pain of being strapped down to the board. Everything was fine. The doctors gave me some pain killers and hours later around 3 am Kay, Gabe and I were driving back to Dubois. Kyle had a broken rib and he stayed with his parents in Lander for about a week.
I missed Kyle while he was at home and I felt horrible about his truck. It was destroyed. I mostly felt horrible for the fact that no one really knew what happened. We told people that the accident was caused because the truck just started to spin out of control, but nothing more than that.
I couldn't wait for Kyle to come back to the ranch, but when he did, everything was different. He would barely look at me or talk to me, and we did not spend the nights together talking about everything under the sun. The accident had not only damaged our bodies, but also our relationship. I still don't know to this day what made Kyle so distant, but it broke my heart. I remember hanging out in the rec room with Gabe and Josh a few days after Kyle had come back and the three of us were drinking. I was upset about the accident and feeling like everything was my fault. I just needed to know why Kyle had had a change of heart. I marched over to his cabin where he was just starting to fall asleep and wanted to know why he hated me. I was crying while I sat on his bed in his dark cabin and told him I was sorry and how I wish things could be the way they were before the accident. He told me it was okay and that he was not mad at me. I'm not sure if I believe that to this day, but I also don't believe he was telling me the whole truth.
A few weeks later he went back home to get ready for school, and a few days after that I headed back to Buffalo. I wrote Kyle a letter and sent him a few things that included a cow tail taffy stick, $300 and a few other things I can't recall. I even called his house, but he was at work so I didn't get to talk to him. I haven't spoken to Kyle since that summer, but I think about him a lot. The last I knew, Kyle was working in the kitchen of a very nice hotel in Idaho. I don't know what he is doing now, but I hope he is doing well. I hope he has fond memories of that summer we spent together. The scars on my hand and head from the accident will always be there to remind me of that summer, no matter how faded the scars have become over the years. I still have a scar on my left knuckle from the day we laid around in your cabin and you accidentily closed your pocket knife on me. Kyle, you will always hold a special place in my heart. I miss you Kyle and I hope I will get to see you one day. Maybe we can talk about what happened and I can get some closure. Take care, where ever you are out there.

I'm just not ready, and I don't think I ever will be.

I recently saw the Dear John movie. It was good, very different from the book, but still good. But the movie itself is not what inspired me to write this blog. My inspiration came from a small scene in the movie. It wasn't the scene where John read the last letter than Savannah wrote, and it wasn't the end of the movie when John and Savannah are together again. The scene that made me cry and made me to most sad was when John was reading the letter he wrote to his father who was in the hospital.
John and his father never had a strong, loving relationship. They loved eachother, of course, but neither of the two men ever showed it. In this particular scene, John's father is in critical condition and John comes in to visit him. He brings his father a letter he wrote, and after some hestiation, John decides to read the letter out loud. In the letter, John recalls his last thoughts before he blacked out after he was shot twice. The last memory he had before he blacked out was the tour of the U.S. Mint his father took him on when he was 8. It was one of John's favorite memories, and one of his father's favorite memories was well. This letter was John's way of letting his father know who much he loved him, even though he never was very good at showing it. By the end of the letter, John was in tears as he held his father's hand and cried. This scene was the most moving and heartbreaking scene in the whole movie. John knew he was going to lose his father and he wanted him to know that he loved him and cherished his time with him, even though they had grown apart.
I am very fortunate to have both of my parents in my life right now. Watching a scene as heavy and as real as the one from Dear John, not only makes me cry because of the incredible emotion portayed in the film, but also because I know one day I will be in John's shoes reading my goodbye letter to my parents. The thought of that day makes my knees weak and breaks my heart a little more with each thought. I cannot imagine the pain and longing I am going to feel when I lose a parent, nor can I even think about it. When the idea does cross my mind, I have to force myself to think of something else. I understand death and I know it is inevitable, but I will never be okay with it. My parents raised me and gave me everything I could ever need or want. I have all in the opportunities in the world because of what they have done for me. They are my guardians, my providers, and my angels. I would be lost without them. My father has never and would never let me go a day without anything, and my mother has loved me unconditionally before she even saw me in the judges office.
I have lost loved ones, and that pain was terrible, but I know when I lose my parents I am going to break down. I am scared I will not be albe to function. I am scared of living without them.The lose of their presence I feel is going to leave me empty and alone. I have depended on them my entire life and they have always been there. What will I do when they are gone? How will I live? I fear their absence, and I dread the day I have to say my goodbyes. I think it is because I am so young, I am just not ready to have to say goodbye. I don't think anyone is ever ready. My parents are both young and healthy and I have many, many years let with them, but Dear John just brought my fears to the surface.
My family is very loving and we show it and say it everyday. The phrase "I love you" is used multiple time each day in my family, so I know my parents know I love them, but I just want to make sure they know I mean it when I say it. I am not just saying "I love you" Mom and Dad, I mean it. I love you and I cherish you. You mean the world to me and I thank God for sending me to you because I cannot imagine life without you!